Tonight I feel the need to write. I find myself this evening holding onto emotions I just can’t contain. I am realizing that this heightened state I have been living in, in preparation for our second child’s birth is now coming to an end and life is now beginning it’s course. For months I have carried this child, anticipated his arrival, planned and learned about the miracle of birth and how empowering it can be when totally surrendered, mourned the passing of the family of 3, prepared my birth attendants and spent countless hours at the feet of my Creator on letting go and allowing Him full control of my life. I sit here writing tonight because my wave is coming to shore and the most awesome and powerful experience I have ever experienced is now in my past and the memories I keep in my heart will become my forever treasures. Two years ago I wept for an hour straight when Troy told me we had a girl. She forever changed my life. Having a daughter was the greatest gift I could have ever received. My heart was overwhelmed with emotion and thankfulness that day and every day after. What I speak of tonight is not about my children but the miracle of birth and the experience that God gave us through it. I was fearful of how my heart was going to have room for two. How could I ever love anything more than my firstborn child? I was told that God would just open more rooms in my heart but I couldn’t understand. I was told that Ashley was going to no longer be a baby in my eyes. How could she not? She will always be my baby I thought. I don’t know if my hormones are overwhelming me or if these feelings in my heart are just part of motherhood but I feel the need to cry for a very long time. My baby is so big and she looks at me with these eyes that I feel I have never seen. All of a sudden her tiny features have somehow vanished and a little girl has emerged. I kiss the neck of my baby boy and he seems to disappear through my fingers but when she climbs into my lap I feel like I missed all the years I thought I cherished. Where did all her baby years go? My buddy, my sweetheart, my baby girl; how can I make her understand that this is a part of life? I realize the question is not so much for her as it is me. The emotions I feel are not her own. She is so excited to be a big sister. She is crazy about her little brother. It is me who needs to give myself time. The emotions a mother feels are extreme especially at times of great change. This is only part of the emotions I feel tonight but I needed to write them first so I could be free to write about the experience of Caleb’s birth. I almost feel guilty with how wonderful and perfect an experience it was because I chose such a different route with Ashley’s birth for lack of knowledge or more correctly, ignorance. I feel I surrendered my choices to the “experts” the first time around and walked the road most traveled. Her birth was a miracle because birth is and I thoroughly enjoyed giving birth to her but I learned that the “birthing experience” could be so much more. The paths I walk on since Ashley’s birth are the ones less traveled. I guess Ashley gave me the courage to make better choices, trust my instincts and surrender to the voice of God living in my heart. One decision after another led me to the decision to choose a midwife for my next birth. I had no idea about the amazing adventure our family was about to embark on.
My first four months I spent sick, nauseous, and hormonal. I was devastated because my pregnancy with Ashley was so wonderful. I loved being pregnant. I was afraid I was going to suffer through this pregnancy but God was so faithful. Slowly the sickness wore off and the joy of pregnancy began. Maternity clothes, which I like better than my usual wardrobe, a big belly, funny cravings that must be satisfied, movements inside my belly and a bonding that would last a lifetime were all things I was finally experiencing. Halfway through my pregnancy I got a silly idea in my head to fill out an application to “A Baby Story” and surprisingly they chose us. I was humbled with the revelation that we had a story to tell, amazed at the hand of God in our lives. Our story was now going to be documented for our private keepsake as well as for the world to see. That revelation sent me inward on a journey to meet my heart. I honestly fell in love this year with my God, my husband and my daughter. I realized how precious each one of those relationships are and need to be. I involved my closest friends on my journey and met new ones along the way. I read books, attended classes with Troy and learned about a whole new way of living. I learned about a process called “gentle birthing” and got another hair-brained idea in my head to have a water birth. My husband, bless him, is always open minded to the things I put my life into. I spent hours at the foot of my Savior learning what it means to fully surrender, desiring to have freedom from my fears. I learned that I needed to connect with myself not in some “new age” fashion but in listening to that still small voice inside that says, “here is the path, now walk in it.” I knew this birth would not only be an awesome experience but a spiritual one as well. God was preparing my heart for something wonderful. Not that birth alone isn’t wonderful, but He had something special for me and for everyone that would be in that birthing room on November 10th, 2003.

With all this anticipation and excitement from the filming to the planning to the preparing, the day could not come soon enough. Because I had gone two weeks early with Ashley, I had assumed that I would go early again. My two weeks early became two weeks late in my mind even though I hadn’t even reached my due date. The full moon came on November 9th and I took a picture. My emotions were wearing thin from excitement from the contractions I had been experiencing every night for two weeks straight. Could this be the night I would think every night? Until one night it was. 3 AM on November 10th, I woke up cramping and knew that it was time. In my spirit I heard the baby say, “I am coming today mommy.” My first contraction slammed me at the stroke of 3 and early labor had officially started. I called Lisa, my midwife, at 4:30 and she said to go to the hospital. Phone call after phone call was made. Finally the night I had been waiting for was finally going to be realized. Excitement mixed in with fear plagued my mind for there was no turning back at this point. Tracy showed up excited while I rolled on the birthing ball laughing between contractions. I was relaxed and prepared and so was my team. Tony and Lana arrived to watch Ashley and I touched my sweet girls head as she lay asleep and silently whispered good-bye. Troy loaded me into the back of the Outback and I laughed at the thought of being like the family pet. With each bump my contractions grew stronger and believe me I felt every bump back there. I drove with the full moon in full view and felt the peace of God that He was the man in the moon watching over us.

When we arrived at the hospital, we met Kelli, checked in and was wished good wishes on our way up to the forth floor birthing center. It seemed as if everyone was waiting for us when we arrived. The nurse at the station said, “we’ve been waiting for you.” I replied, “Not as long as I’ve been waiting for you.” We were ushered into our suite, and quickly set the room up. The contractions were coming on strong but I felt I had time to rest and visit a little between. Lisa checked me at 6am and we waited anxiously as she announced I was 5 cm maybe 6. I couldn’t believe it. I was officially in labor. Adrienne was called and I was given my permanent wristband. The contractions came close and fast. The laboring was intense. I hung from Troy’s neck and it seemed I couldn’t get close enough to the ground. Lisa walked in to find me in much pain and quickly started filling the tub. Getting in was so relaxing, as relaxing as labor can be. The pain was not so intense and I felt my body relax more. It wasn’t long before things picked up. Lisa checked me on the toilet through a contraction and I gripped her neck and cried. She told me that my bag of waters was very strong and that if I broke it, it would speed things up. I decided to have it broken. I lay on the bed and immediately I could feel a warm sensation running down my leg and then a gush. I remembered this from Ashley’s birth. It was one of my favorite parts. The baby would soon be here. My team was all there working for me and the Lord would soon bring to fruition the purpose of each individual in that room. Troy and I got back in the tub and settled into a comfortable position. Adrienne arrived and I breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone was there and it was time to get focused.

Eight of us piled into that tiny bathroom. Troy and I were in the tub. Tracy stood on the toilet. Lisa and Kelli kneeled on the edge of the tub. Cody, the camera lady squatted on the sink and Adrienne and the nurse peeked in from the doorway. Time went quickly, but not knowing what to expect, what the pain would be like and what each stage of labor would bring, it seemed to take forever. Kelli fed me ice chips and cooled my face with a cool cloth. Lisa gave the room a sense of security. She had done this so many times before. She could read my face and body language. She was there to give me guidance yet I knew she believed I could do this. She had been praying for me and I felt a peace with her there. I buried my head in Troy’s chest as the pain increased. Part of me didn’t want to do this. I wanted to go home or pretend the pain away. I kept hearing God talk to me about connecting with myself and realized that this was the point of surrender. This was what my body was made to do. I was surrounded by people who loved me and believed in me and the Lord reminded me of my pregnancy verse found in Isaiah. “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will mount up on wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” I looked around the room at everyone’s face. At times it seemed annoying that they looked so confident and cheerful. I received several thumbs up and “you are doing great.” I was in pain and no one was experiencing that but me. Troy confidently reminded me to breath and selflessly allowed me to grab and push and bury my body into his in any way I could to find relief. His eyes were not panicked. They were believing. He kept telling me how beautiful I was. He was proud of me. He was able to be fully there with me because others were there to take care of the details and the nurturing. Troy is my rock and that is exactly what I needed him to be.

I kept feeling this strange desire to go the bathroom but didn’t know if I should give in to it. Lisa suggested I do and I realized at that point that all modesty had left the room. I was in labor and there is nothing modest about it. Anyway, I had no control and I realized that too. It was at this point that I let out a scream, which startled me and everyone in the room. I began to panic and I felt the baby pull back inside. This is what it felt like to loose control. I was scared. Really frightened. I think my team was worried that I would start panicking and tried their best to calm me. I let out another scream and a push but it was at this point that I felt the room go eerily silent. It was my decision to panic or trust my body that it knew what to do. Tracy told me later that she remembered the silence and she looked and saw Lisa with her eyes closed as in prayer and kelli was praying. She bowed her head in prayer too; after all, Lisa was leading them with her direction. The room was reverently silent. I heard God whisper, “It is just you, Me and the baby now.” I could hear the baby speaking to me about the hugs he was receiving from my contractions. My natural painkillers flooded my system between contractions and I knew the baby was able to rest too. The two of us worked together. I turned around and let Troy’s arms enfold me. I pressed my back into his chest and got my legs in the most comfortable position possible. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I felt inside with my finger and could feel the top of the baby’s head. I pushed and could feel a ring of fire. I told myself to allow my body to push but not so hard. With each contraction the baby’s head came down farther and farther. Then there was the crown and everyone moved to watch the baby’s head emerge. I could hear God tell me how to deliver the baby. I held my perineum together with each contraction so that I would not rip. There was perfect balance. It didn’t hurt as bad now except the burning. Suddenly with a strong contraction the head emerged and I could feel the baby’s hair and his ear. I announced it to the room that I could feel his ear. There was a baby being born and I was doing it. I was so excited. The worst was over. With the next contraction, I pushed the shoulders out and reached down and gently pulled my baby out. He seemed to just keep coming. I finally felt his legs emerge and then he was out. Lisa told me to pull him out of the water. I was so in shock that I had just delivered my own baby that I forgot to pull him up out of the water. It was only a second but then Lisa lifted the baby onto my chest. In uncontrollable tears I just held my baby and cried and cried. I could feel Troy’s body shake with tears of emotion and I felt a bonding I had never felt so strongly before. He was so caught up in the emotion of the experience and fully there. What a gift. I didn’t even think to look what sex the baby was. It wasn’t important. We had just given birth to our baby in the most intimate way I could have ever imagined. Lisa lifted the baby to reveal that we had a son. I announced that we had a Caleb Troy. Troy quietly said, “a son.” We cried some more and our life was changed dramatically again. We were a family of 4. Troy cried a blessing, we gave Caleb back to the Lord and then we cut the cord. Never had I felt so free and complete and so empowered. It was a perfect moment. We had a daughter and a son. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord.

The placenta was delivered and I was stitched up from a little tearing. Caleb weighed 8 lbs, 8 oz and was 20 inches long. He was in perfect condition. He was beautiful. I was ushered into another room to shower and rest. I was given the suite with a double bed. I felt as though I were the princess of the hospital. Troy left to get Ashley, Caleb’s big sister after I showered, got some lunch and was settled. At around 5 pm I saw the door crack open and my little Ashley dressed in hat and jacket peeked her head in my room. She saw me and her little face lit up, “mommy.” I was never so excited to see her as that moment. I missed her so much. She didn’t seem that big but I knew she was. She got up on the bed and I introduced her to her baby brother. She was delighted. She said, “Oh, it’s a baby. He’s a sweetheart.” I didn’t know how to contain my heart and the joy I had at that moment being the mother of the two most precious children in the world and the wife of the most incredible man. “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will mount up on wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31